entry 46

A BETTER DAY

I have come to the realization that mom just either isn't interested or can't succumb to change with regards to this disease. The first half of yesterday was terrible...mom crying and sad,

I used to drive everywhere

I always changed your dads sheets

washed and folded his clothes

went to the dry cleaners and got his shirts

took the deposit to the bank

I loved my life and now I don't have that anymore!

To me what is really sad...

These are her BEST memories of the life she LOVED?

Sooo, we saw another therapist today that we spoke with for several hours. She is able to prescribe medication and we are hopeful that some of mom's side affects from the Alzheimer's disease will subside. She is extremely fearful.

She is fearful when she can't find me because she has no memory. It's like a little child that when you leave a room cries because they don't know if they will see you again!

When the therapist made that statement I understood better the fear much clearer.

Honestly, if this were me {in mom's situation} I would want the disease to progress as quickly as possible. This stage she is in has no quality of life, really. She exists, but doesn't understand her life. She is alive but is slowly dying and can't function normally. No interests, no desire to do anything or can't. Needs to always be with someone because afraid to be alone.

Oh, it's awful.

I feel so sad.

entry 45

I woke up, walked out of my room just in time to see my mom

run out of the living room down the hallway.

(She does this all the time}

What are you doing mom?

Nothing, I'm just wondering how I'm getting to Provo?

You aren't going to Provo, today.

Little did I know that a huge can of worms was about to spill out!!!!

Mom is crying and depressed and living in her old, past, negative memories.

She is literally unable to get past them to have a conversation.

I know there is no way to have a conversation with someone who's brain cells are being attacked by a horrible disease.

But it doesn't make the the conversation any less difficult!

For the last couple weeks we have been seeing a therapist and going to the Alzheimer's association for some much needed help. Well, I should say that it is helping me but mom hates it. She feels in adequate around the other folks in her group.

They can do things faster than me.

Mom, It's not a competition!

I don't like it. I'm stupid, I'm not as smart as the rest.

Mom, do you realize that all the people in your group have Alzheimer's?

NO, REALLY? I don't ever want to be like them!

Back to today.

We are supposed to go see a doctor for possible meds.

I don't want to go.

How do I know your won't dump me off and leave me in an asylum?

Is this a fake doctor?

{I say mom, give me more credit than that...

You don't have to go or do anything you don't want to do}

I am not sick.

Are you going to take me to doctors the rest of my life?

That would be a horrible way to live!

Long conversation short...she has agreed to go.

{She has told me the temperature in provo 4 times in the last 5 minutes.

She hyper fixates {is this a word} on anything that has do with Jackie}.

Now, she asking what the cut off age is for people with Alzheimer's, example :

Can I still travel?

Go shopping?

Go to theTemple?

Listen to Jackie play?

etc.

Boy, oh boy.

Listen to me, if any one out in blog land is reading this...

Prepare yourselves, now!

entry 44

{ The waiting game }

Mom waits for Jackie to pick her up.

Jackie picked mom up yesterday and just dropped her off.

entry 43

where in the world did that glove go?

entry 42

I've had a MAJOR glich with my now OLD BLOG..

"Diary of a mad caregiver".

So... after spending hours trying to fix the problem

I decided to simply create a new blog.

"My diary of a mad caregiver".

I used copy and paste to add the old posts to this new blog.

Please, feel free to sign up and follow this new blog

as it will prove to be exciting as ever :)!

Thanks, C

entry 41

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2010

entry 41

This last week has been a difficult one.

Mom seems to have accepted that she has Alzheimer's.

The realization makes her very sad and she cries.

On another note...

We were driving around - I'm stopping and taking pictures of turquoise "things"

{she likes doing this - "It's fun"}

And she says she feels a great sense of relief.

I ask what about, but she can't really verbalize her thoughts.

I press and she finally says that she's praying for relief from this affliction.

I suggest we get her exercising her mind and her body along with nutrition...

and then she says the funniest thing...

WELL, I'm not going to do this all by myself!

I laughed and say...WELL if you don't exercise your mind no one 's going to do it for you, mother.

We laughed, together!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2010

entry 40

Same Day, different post!

Things only went down hill from that appointment on!

First I stopped at Great Harvest and got us some comfort food...

next...

We went to the Alzheimer's Association for the support group.

Today mom will go into the cognitive learning group.

She and I are only separated by a single wall.

But she freaked out.

They came and got me.

Mom, her face flushed and in a frenzy insisted I take her out of there!

She was crying and having a tantrum.

I didn't know where you were.

I thought you left me here.

I felt stupid, there were so many men, I couldn't do what they were doing.

These words don't flow easily from her mouth.

She cries and cries the rest of the day and night.

Please don't tell Jackie about this.

What, the Alzheimer's meeting?

NO, that I have Alzheimer's.

Coming to grips with mortality!

That night I have a horrible dream.

I dream that I am in a house with John and I can see the waves of the ocean swell - a tsunami.

The water is is rising and flooding the house We are being lifted up to the ceiling.

I am able to see out a whole in the roof.

I can see the water is starting to recede.

I awoke in pure panic.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2010

entry 39

Meeting with the Dr to review tests.

No new revelations, merely establishing a baseline.

Dr. is relating the test results to both of us but mom keeps

randomly bringing up the huge snow storm in the East!

The Dr asks her where she lives...

without thought, Virginia!

It was like mom didn't hear a word the Dr. was saying.

I ask the Dr what's up with this?

It's the disease.

Were were given much information about how to proceed.

We are told
Now is the time to acclimate mom to any major life changes,

while she can still remember.

The resting reveals she remembers and responds best to visual simulation
and I am given different suggestions on how to help keep mom stimulated.

The brain stays "plastic" until death.

She can still build new brain cells and somewhat maintain what she has now with specific exercises.

But...there is no cure for Alzheimer's.

Boy, is this going to be a CHALLENGE!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 29, 2010

entry 38

Meeting with the therapist...

Mom again doesn't know where or why we are going to this appointment.

It takes an hour to fill out the paperwork and ask mom questions that the Dr. will later review.

I hate this stuff!!!

I don't want to answer these questions.

There is nothing wrong with me.

I refuse to answer that question!

We meet with the Dr. and she is calm, kind and reassuring to mom.

Mom likes her.

Then the real cognitive testing begins.

4 1/2 hour later we leave.

Two hours are cut short.

Mom can't complete those tests.

We won't know the results of the testing until the 10th of February.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 2010

entry 37

Playing catch up!

I think I dread posting on this blog. Most of the time it's kind of depressing...but here goes.

Today we {mom and me}went to the Alzheimer's Association.

It was NOT happiness on mom's face when we drove up!!!

She freaked.

Why are we here?

Are you leaving me?

I'm not crazy!!!

Maybe it's not fair to mom because I rarely tell her where we are going.

She obsesses and worries and agitates.

if it's a trip...she will pack and unpack.

We met with the Alzheimer's therapist then went to a support group.

Usually the caregiver goes into the support group while the afflicted person goes into a cognitive learning session.

Mom sat with me this time and enjoyed it very much.

She, however, was unaware that she had the disease and was sympathizing with the others relating their weekly stories.

I'm so glad I don't have that disease, she said when leaving.

Yes mom, but I fear we may all be predisposed to getting it.

"Grandma died from it."

Really, I don't remember how my mother died or anything about her funeral.

Case in point.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2010

entry 36

Asking what to do with the pantyhose

Obviously she's spending too much time with the dogs :)

Pantyhose seem to really confuse my mom. Today she came to me and asked what she was to do with them {the pantyhose}. Reality is that she can't even get the question out to ask me the question. If this seems all jumbled up, it is! So she said that Quinn was the one that turned her on to wearing pantyhose. LOL. She continued with I never wore them before he "turned me on to them". I lifted up her sweater and pulled the band on the pantyhose she was wearing underneath her pants. MOM...you have worn them for years!!! You wear them everyday!!! In fact you often times wear 2 pair. You even wear them to bed. OMdisease.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 19, 2010

entry 35

Today mom is totally confused:

* She hasn't gotten dressed for church this week yet, but keeps asking if I have heard from Jackie and when is she picking her up.

*She wants to know what Jackie has to do with the Orchestra at Temple Square. (she's played the violin for 8 years with them)

* Where is your father, is he getting remarried to someone else and moving them into the house? I don't care but I want my watches!

*How am I getting home? {you are home mom and she hasn't asked this for a long time}. Well, who will take care of me. You are older than me so what will I do?

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 13, 2010

entry 34

All her bags are packed and ready to go...
She's standing here inside my door-hahaha.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 12, 2010

entry 33

It's been a long time since I've posted on this blog but...that doesn't mean that a lot hasn't happened. I could never begin to go back and retrace the past 2 months so I will start from here. I posted this picture because my mom is becoming a bag lady. She got all this stuff ready just to go to church. She is getting worse. I get annoyed with her behavior but know that it's not her fault. It is sad to watch your mother deteriorate in front of your eyes. Today she looked for her watch for about 6 hours. Then she changed her clothes at least 5 times. I don't know why but she thinks that everyday is Sunday so so puts on her church clothes.

Mom says so many odd things. She loves Skor bars but Costco didn't have any, just Heath bars {I like them better}. I'm not sure how many were in the box but she managed to eat all the candy within a couple days. We were getting ready to go to the bank and she asked me if I wanted some of her "HEALTH" BAR. I laughed and said "mom those aren't HEALTH bars they are Heath candy bars". What's a daughter to do :)

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2009

entry 32

I need to be more patient. We have had a lot going on. I need to be more positive.

{Momisms}

An Alzheimer's commercial came on TV.

MOM: I'm sure glad I don't have that!

ME: Me, too!

MOM: Your dad took me to the Doctor to get me checked out a while ago. But I tricked those doctors. They asked me what floor we were on. I could see the sign so I knew it was the 4Th floor. I would have to go back for visits. I wrote down what they would ask me and memorized the months. I tricked them!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last week we took the kids to the dollar show to see ICE AGE (very cute). Now...my mom can sit in a chair for hours holding the dog and not move and inch BUT...she can not sit in a movie without fidgeting the entire time! (Alicia is my witness) I seriously was ready to scream. I am the biggest movie Nazi! Nothing bugs me more than someone talking, kicking my chair, chopping popcorn with their mouth open, cell phones, crackling candy wrappers ,babies too young to be in the movie theater-crying, fussing and parents do nothing! I'm just getting started.

Mistakes I made:

1) I gave mom a really crackly paper bag for her popcorn. She made more noise than the kids.

2) When she was done with the popcorn she fidgeted with the bag moving it from one chair to the next, checking to see if more popcorn was inside, wondering why she even had the bag in the first place.

3) She keeps a flashlight in her purse. It's battery powered. She turned it off and on during the movie to see if it still worked. She kept cranking the handle. I told her it was noisy and bothering other people-she said "too bad".

4) She fidgets with her purse pulling stuff in and out. She found a pen looking for her watch (she was sure she lost it). She held it up in the air and clicked it up and down and up and down like she'd never seen a pen before. She repeated this several times, it was strange!

5) I gave her a big drink...Right at the end of the movie she was fidgeting SO much I asked her what was wrong. I need to go to the bathroom, now! She can't go by herself . We missed the end of the movie.

Oh well, she had to potty train me once upon a time!

BUT...I'm sitting at the opposite end next movie!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2009

entry 31 {cool for Halloween :)}

IT'S HALLOWEEN
{Clic the title above to play the music}.

It's Hallowe'en,
The lamp is lit,
Around the fire
The children sit,
A-telling ghost stories
Bit by bit,
'Til somebody whispers "hushhhhhhh"!

What's that a-peeping
'Round the kitchen door?
What's that a-creeping
'Cross the bedroom floor?
What's that a-sweeping
Down the corridor?
It's a goblin!
We will not go
To bed 'til morn,
We're drinking cocoa,
Popping corn,
And laughing 'til our
Sides are torn,
'Til somebody whispers "hushhhhhh"!

What's that a-peeping
'Round the kitchen door?
What's that a-creeping
'Cross the bedroom floor?
What's that a-sweeping
Down the corridor?
It's a goblin!
The doorbell rings,
A witch I see,
And with her, black cats,
One, two, three,
And one of them says
"Boo!" to me,
'Til somebody whispers "HUShhhhhhh!"

What's that a-peeping
'Round the kitchen door?
What's that a-creeping
'Cross the bedroom floor?
What's that a-sweeping
Down the corridor?
It's a gooooobbbblinnnnn!
{my mom's version}
My mom loved and still loves Halloween. Maybe that's why I love it so much. She always dressed up and decorated the house, too. She used to sing this song to us when we were kids. I remembered it a few weeks ago and looked it up on the web-there it was and the music to go with it. I haven't mentioned the song to my mom at all and what's funny is she sang it to Mason yesterday. {she didn't get the words right but she remembered the melody}

P.S. I'm not sure what a goblin looks like, do you?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2009

entry 30 (mom-isms}

Mom about Halloween:

Last year, even though the government asked us not to spend money on Halloween because of the bad economy or something like that...I gave each trick or treater $4 each.

Geez mom...no wonder you have so many trick or treaters!

ENTRY 29 {be careful what you wish for}

You know that old saying "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR"? Back in 2005 my mom and dad came for a visit. The main purpose of the visit was for my dad to Bless Jocelyn and Julian. {what sweet angels, would you agree?!}. Anyway, I quickly became very angry with my sister that visit because there were MOTAB concerts among other various religious activities which took time and attention away from "my time" with my parents. My agenda was to have my parents spend as much time with their gkids and great g kids. Needless to say my expectations were shattered and I was very hurt and upset with both my mom and sister. My mom was already experiencing signs of dementia that we really didn't recognize. Long story short... I wanted more time with my mom and for her to spend more time with my kids and great g kids. Who knew...4 short years later I would have her full time attention!!! The irony of life.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2009

entry 29

Bear's sitting on Jaxon!

Mom and I watched Jaxon while Natalie went to an appointment. Mom was holding Jaxon in the rocker and feeding him a bottle. Next thing she knew Bear had jumped up on her lap as well. Do you think there is a little bit of jealousy going on there?

In this pic...Bear has this stinky, gross, squeaky toy that he LOVES. When bear wants you to play he will shove the toy up against your leg. When mom didn't give up Jaxon -Bear decided to try another tactic!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2009

entry 28 {the sweetest thing}

Yesterday mom took Bear out after we got home from running several errands. As she walked down the sidewalk adjacent to the school field she heard a voice calling...Grandma-Grandma. To her surprise Jeremy who was outside for recess ran all the way across the field to say HI .Can I tell you..it made her day. She talked about it for hours. Thanks Jer for being so kind!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2009

entry 27

Mom's wallet is old and falling apart. She has it stuffed with all kinds of expired cards, clothing tags and receipts. I told her we were going wallet shopping. We went to TJ Maxx (it's close). We found several wallets that she liked. Great, right? Not that easy. She wanted to arrange the wallets all over the counter so she could see which ones would fit all her stuff. Then She started taking things out of her old wallet and placing them in the new wallets. All the "new walletinerds" were getting mixed up. She wouldn't, I should say couldn't make a decision. After about 30 minutes I said "this is making me crazy", we'll get a brown one for your brown purse and a black wallet for your black purse... In fact we can take them all home you can try them all . We can take back the wallets you don't like. With that settled we waited in line to pay.

The next morning we were getting ready to leave and I noticed that mom had all three wallets in her purse. They each had a couple of items in them. I quickly took out her old wallet. Made sure that she had what she needed in her Brown wallet and placed the black wallet in her black purse. She didn't even notice.

Next we went to Jiffy lube. She insisted on paying for my oil change since I drive her around everyday. She proudly took out her new wallet. Inside was the packaging material and little Crystal bag that keeps moisture out. I quickly took out the items and threw them in the garbageas she was taking out her AMEX card. With a pouty face she looked at me and then the kid helping us and said "she's throwing away all my GOODIES" .

We laughed!

Next... new purse

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2009

entry 26 { mom-isms }

Today is one of those I NEED TO SCREAM days. I made the mistake of telling mom about conference yesterday and I have been asked over and over when, what, where, how, etc. ever since. This morning it started up again only she couldn't remember what it was she was supposed to remember (conference). She couldn't grasped that she would watch conference, take a bath, watch conference again and then go get her hair done. PATIENCE!!!! BREATH!!!!!

{MOM} isms...

I should just go back to eclipse.

I should just learn to do my own hair like you and Jackie.

You mean I will miss conference to get my hair done?

I need to write this down so I remember. What does Oct 4th mean?

What does 4:15 mean?

Where do I go to watch conference?

How do I turn on the TV? John messed with it.

I finally typed this up for her:

She only asked be about the schedule a few more times and then settled down to watch conference.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2009

entry 25 { mom-isms }

We have a great view of the mountains from our backyard. Right now they are literally covered with spots of red, yellow and orange. The leaves turning on the mountains has always been my confirmation that summer is really over and fall is fast approaching. Denial!

Yesterday mom and I were taking in the view and I was taking pics as well.

Mom asked me: What are all those different colored spots on those hills?

I answered: The leaves are changing color. Then I added: I smell smoke (in the distance), there must be a fire somewhere.

With that she asked, concerned: What, you mean those spots on the mountains are onfire?

MOM-isms! What's a caregiver to do?

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2009

entry 24

So the last few days have been interesting. My mom has been very confused. She wakes up early in the morning and mostly before sunrise. Apparently her waking up when still dark freaks her out. She told Katie and me that John told her about a phenomenon that happens. We were so confused! As she tried to explain this strange occurrence it dawned on me that she was talking about waking up when it's still dark outside, morning.

I said mom: Are you talking about waking up early before it's light?

she said: yes.

I said: that's called MORNING and we all laughed. (sad)

Yesterday Natalie, Jeremy and Jaxon came for a visit. Mom told Natalie the same strange tale. This time however, she added how scary it is for her. I made a joke and told her to stop waking up so early. We laughed but I don't think she know where she is and between the darkness, John leaving for work and her failing memory this "phenomenon" is very disturbing for her.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2009

entry 23

jackie, mom ,dad

Today, so far (8:30 AM) is the opposite of mom's good mood yesterday. She just figured out that my dad has gone back to VA and she feels duped. She's still with it enough to know that she should be with her husband (although she says she doesn't want to live with him) and wants to live in her home in VA. She didn't bring this subject up at all when he was here. The problem is that she can't really care for herself. She is crying and upset. When she gets this way you can't reason with her. Her biggest fear is that the stuff in her room , at home, (mainly her WATCHES) will be stolen. If you ask her why she wants to go back to VA it's because she has her big TVS and her watches. She doesn't know how much she forgets. She says it' s not fair to me and John for her to be put upon us. I told her that years ago when she asked me "who will care for me when I get old", I promised her I would.

Mom is so sensitive to this because her mother was put in a nursing home in Canada with dementia. It gets increasing difficult to see her be so sad and depressed.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2009

entry 22

Today my mom is really confused. She woke up early and it was still dark outside. She didn't know where she was, what she was doing there and what day and time it was. The "DARK" really scares her - makes her anxious and nervous. I was trying to explain how everyone was related to her. I could tell it wasn't registering. So I had to draw out for her on paper how we were all related. She doesn't remember Jon and Quinn being here this past weekend.

Mom couldn't understand how dad knew the "the people" (grand kids, great grand kids) that came to visit him. She would say "I wondered how he knew those kids". She hasn't said anything about dad leaving except for "when is your dad leaving ".That I have answered over and over! I'm surprised how up beat she has been the past few days.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2009

entry 21

I have to say my last post sounded frantic. Thankfully things are a calmer today. The pow wow is over and mom is staying here with us. I need to post more often to have a record of the progression of my mother's disease.

This week mom has been really confused. There is the usual - asking the same questions over but she is mixing the past and the present. Mom is progressing into another stage of the disease. Mom has a terrible time verbalizing what she wants to say. She paces around the house off and on during the day. She opens and closes the garage door over and over checking to see if my car is there.

Recent things she has said:

Who are we picking up at the airport? "Dad, your husband". Blank stare...What is his name?

I need to get cash from your dad so I can pay payroll.
(She is talking about paying Alicia to do her hair)

What is Ken's first name? "Ken, mom".

Where does your dad live, in Phoenix or Utah? "VA, mom". Now where is he going?

What does he do for his profession? "Oral surgeon". Oh that's right I do the books.

I need to get my important stuff out of the house before your dad sells it.
"What stuff do you need to get"? My watches, I need my watches!

At this point in time it is worse to tell her anything in advance because she can't remember what I just told her and she obsesses about what she's forgotten anyway.

She rarely knows what day or time it is even though she has a calendar and clock in her room that displays all the info. (Mostly she thinks Sunday is the next day).

I typed up a very simple schedule for her right before my dad arrived and placed it in several areas around the house. That confused her even more.

It has come down to rationing her "Boost and Ensure". That's all she wants to eat/drink. 4 to 5 is plenty in a day!

Dad and I bought her a "muscle" protein drink at the gas station. "I won't like this-yuk!" "trust me you'll like it" - Forced her to drink it, "oh this is really good"! "HMMMM, mom"!

I am trying to repeat positive affirmations to myself to keep calm and patient. Keep up the good work cher :) .

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2009

entry 20 (OMH)

You know that old saying that if you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all?

Well, can I scream instead????

My dad and brothers are coming to Utah for a big pow wow this weekend. I bet my mom's asked me at least 2-4 times (per hour) if she's getting her hair done tomorrow, who it is we are picking up from the airport, is the time 12:30AM or 1AM and what are we doing again? What day is it today ? What day is it tonmorrow? Is it 1991? REPEAT... She has written down all this info but still can't seem to understaind-I know because she made me sit there with her shile she wrote it down. If I sound like a MAD (crazy) caregiver, today I am . If it's this hard for me I can only how hard it is for her. She's got to know that part of her is slipping away. I have to keep repeating positive affirmation and reminding myself that it's the disease and not her.

Oh... She sat on her night stand this morning thinking it was a stool and it shattered underneath her. I was doing some touch up painting and suggested she stay in a different area. As soon as I left she walked into the pan of paint. I need to say this...oh my hell!

Remember all of you out there in normal land...that it's karma. Whatever hell you put your mother through as a kid, it comes back to bite you a 1000 times worse!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5, 2009

entry 19 (the poop report)

My mom gets up and walks Bear in the mornings. She usually goes after she sees John leave for work. When mom gets back I get the poop and pee report (whether I want it or not). Well...I got the poop report first hand, so to speak. I was cleaning off the kitchen table and picked up a crumpled paper towel. I was going to throw it in the recycle bin when I felt something inside. It was poop! And, my finger went right into the middle of the mushy, cucky ____ . I gag just thinking about it. Yuk!!!

SUNDAY, AUGUST 2, 2009

entry 18 (early riser)

When I get up in the morning my mom 's awake and has been for a couple of hours. She gets up on her own and takes Bear for a walk up and down the sidewalk. She tells everyone about her routine "But, I don't take him on Sunday". After hearing this story for the millionth time I said "mom you know that Bear doesn't stop pooping and peeing just 'cause it's Sunday. We both laughed.

On Sundays when I get up mom is already dressed for church . This morning I awoke after a terrible nights sleep and was sitting on the porch to wake up. John appeared in the doorway and asked where my mom was. He said that he was up at 1:30 AM when my mom came into the room fully dressed for church - 1:30 AM and announced she was ready to go. When I went to bed she was in her PJ's and that was about 11PM. He told her it was 1:30 AM and she should change and go back to bed. "Nope, I'll just stay dressed and that way I'll be ready to go in the morning" .Hmmmmm, this can only get....more interesting?!

FRIDAY, JULY 10, 2009

entry 17 (that's alzheimer's for ya)

So much has happened since I last posted. Really I have about lost my mind (but that's another post). I thought it was funny yesterday when I was at the car wash with my mom. I stopped to get some gas and decided my poor car needed a shower. As we headed into the car wash my mom made her usual off the wall comments but.... what was really weird was her comment as we were about to pull out of the tunnel. There was a light... yellow for hold and green to go. My mom just couldn't figure out what was under that yellow light. "Is that a hat under that light she asked? A hat, what in the world???

If you look at the picture below you can see how she might possibly confuse the "green light" as a hat but it's kind of a stretch.

OK, is it me or is there a strange resemblance to the shoe box lady?

SUNDAY, JUNE 14, 2009

entry 16

I have written 2 long posts. Mozilla has locked up twice and I've lost both. Suffice it to say...MOM is nuts, I am nuts.

TUESDAY, JUNE 2, 2009

entry 15

It's been too long since I've written about mom. Situations change daily. I should have named this blog "riding the waves of life". One good thing (for her and Bear)is she has been taking Bear for morning walks . Then she gives me the "poop" report.

Here in these pics mom is showing Bear the ducks. Mom talks to Bear like he's her child. I find it so interesting how animals can either bring joy and comfort into a person's life or they can drive you NUTS . Nature is amazing, though. Mom loves watching our feathered friends waddle onto our yard. She will ask "what are those two things that keep coming onto the yard"? She has a difficult time understanding that both are ducks because they look so different. We truly have a critter farm going ! Cats, dogs, ducks, oh my!

SUNDAY, MAY 31, 2009

entry 14

I have this picture on my desktop slide show. It popped up when Jackie was here the other day after spending several hours with mom. "THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW". she said exasperated. I laughed. That's exactly why it's on my desktop. Hence the pic to go with the title of this blog.

Try it 24/7

SUNDAY, MAY 24, 2009

entry13

This is a post from my sister Jackie:

Cherilyn brought Mom down to the DAR mtg w/ me yesterday. Of all things, I was given the assignment of reporting the Nat'l Defense message which happened to be on Gold/Blue Star Mothers and music/bands in the military. I mentioned Mom was there; that Dad had a 5 or 6 star Grandmother; and that Mom's Mother was married to a man who played the trumpet and died en-route to WW1 a yr before Pres. Wilson started this program honoring war mothers. Someone else reported on Constitution Hall w/ pic's. She enjoyed all of this and interacting with the women who were very kind, honoring, and friendly towards her (all about her age). She was dressed in her white suit. She made statements that jumbled things up (like my performing at Constitution Hall the time I got that white dress, "Do you want to tell them about that?" I told her I didn't perform at that the time I was a page for the DAR Convention, but that I performed at my H.S. Graduation there. She told women there she was from Wash, D.C. and does this everywhere I take her and introduce people to her.

Afterwards, we went to Sizzler to get something to eat. I said I was going in to get something and she says, "Well, what if I don't like what you get?" She says this to everything I try to feed her, but then ends up liking it (like she did this ~ Malibu Chicken Platter, they charge $2.56 for a measly side of broccoli, btw, now).

We went back to my place where Br. Lefevre (our Lee relative) was connecting my electrical outlet near my TV (that blew out my 5 yr old DVD/VCR recorder recently). She kept getting him confused w/ a real electrician and him being someone I know well w/ comments about paying him and other such she would if she had someone in her house.

Immediately after he left she wanted to go back home (to Cherilyn's). I was trying to get her to go to the Temple w/ me and she said, "Well, let's schedule something like that for next week or something b/c I've been up since 6 a.m. and have had a busy day!" Part of that actually did sound normal as she said it.

We had to run by the Police Station b/c as we were waiting for Br. Lefevre to do the socket, I found a "Fraud Alert" letter from Discover Card in the pile. Someone was trying to get a credit card thru my name, using my SS#, but with a different address. Discover Card said that's what triggered their sending me the alert and asked if I had recently applied for one to which, of course, I told them, "No." I had to pick up a packet in down-town Provo. Mom thought it looked really ratty down there and would not sit in the car b/c she was scared. I told her, "This is Provo?!!" but she still felt uncomfortable and went in with me.

We tried to call Cherilyn to bring her home (this was about 6:30 p.m.), but no answer. Mom said, "She won't answer. She'll just leave me here and I have no clean clothes to wear or anything for church tomorrow!" Frankly, it reminds me of Di where she is able to "remember" and verbalize some things correctly, but not others.

Cherilyn called soon-after and I took her back. Cherilyn said she noticed something different about Mom. She did almost start crying as we were leaving about my having to live there alone and feeling guilty for leaving. Before we left I managed to capture a little bit of us conversing on video. She was very ornary and sarcastic in her answers. When we talked about McLean she got antsy and didn't want to talk about certain things very long saying how she was going to be able to drive and have to take a taxi everywhere!

When we got back to Cherilyn's she immediately went to greet the dog and stayed in her room the whole night watching TV. I invited her to watch, "Goodbye Mr. Chips," with me (we did that song during one of our latest Broadcasts she attended). She said, "No, I'm not interested in that," but occasionally came into the room and asked if it were good. The dog stayed w/ me on the couch. ;-)

As I left she was asleep sitting up on her bed. I had a feeling to go kiss her goodbye, but just let her sleep. A few min's later she called me nearly crying as if she wasn't going to see me for a long time. Whenever we have been on the phone these past 2 weeks she has talked to me as if she were going to be flying home any min. saying, "I need to get home. It's time." She's made these sorts of statements since she came last Sept. Jackie

MONDAY, MAY 18, 2009

entry 12

I seem to have a bit more patience since my meltdown last Saturday. It's amazing how writing things down can literally calm you down when you're in a craze.

I worked in the yard all day long and was dead tired. I paid for it Sunday but I needed to work the body and the mind. I've never liked dirt or bugs or spiders, bees, yellow jackets, wasps, black widows, earwigs, anything flying up your nose or into your ears, eyes and face. Over the years I've grown to have an appreciation for nature. I am finding the insects and other critters {extra}ordinary these days.

Back to mom. The "critters" seem to help her as well. The day the ducks waddled on to our yard she ran into the house, got some bread and chased them down the street. There is a natural serenity one feels when standing in the midst of nature. A respect for all that has been created.

On a sadder note...I helped mom buy some thank you notes . She's had them for over two weeks. She wanted to thank everyone for her birthday and mother's day gifts. She literally was unable to start the task of writing the notes. I typed a list of whom to thank and what to thank them for. I let her go as long as possible to see the outcome. I hate to say it but I had to stand by her and tell her every word to write. She struggled through the entire process until mailed. Then directly after and through the the evening she had no idea why we went to the post office, what we mailed and why and who we mailed "whatever" to.

THURSDAY, MAY 14, 2009

entry 11

Packed and ready to go 4 hours in advance

Two weeks ago Jackie called me and asked if I thought mom would like to go to a dinner that the "Mayflower" (genealogy group) was having. Sure, great. The dinner was going to be at the JSMB downtown. They always have great food. There would also be an "artist" of some kind. Yesterday, mom called Jackie and left her a message (she calls her everyday a couple times a day stating that she hasn't spoken with her for a long time. (Try an hour or two). Jackie had forgotten about the dinner and so had I but we both told mom about the evening in advance . The time was 1:30 pm (dinners' at 6:30pm). So mom immediately started to get dressed. Now, mom thinks she's going home and she thinks she's all packed and she can't find anything to wear. I told her she could wear her white suit but she brought out her black skirt that doesn't fit anymore. "I can't find my white suit". "It must be at the cleaners". I thought she probably packed it but found it folded up in her drawer. By 2pm she was dressed and ready to go except her hair. Mom has widow's peak in the back of her head where the hair swirls and can flip out. She called me to help her with this flipped out hair. "Just take some scissors and cut that flip off", she said. Of course I wasn't going to cut off the hair . Instead I sprayed it with hair spray and suggested she not to mess with it. She's subborn. She wouldn't, couldn't leave it alone. I heard her spraying and spraying, it sounded like running water. By the time she was done she had so much hair spray in her hair it looked wet! Finally, that ended and she said with a very disgusted tone in her voice "when in the world is Jackie going to be here"? "She can't call and give me an hours notice and expect me to get ready, where in the world is she"? I stated Jackie would be there in about 4 hours. "Mom, we told you the time". Repeat this whole conversation over and over until 6pm except add hours of pacing as well.

Bottom line? Jackie arrived on time, mom had a great dinner and lovely evening, away!

TUESDAY, MAY 12, 2009

entry 10

Mother's day for mom started out with Jackie picking her up at 7:15 AM on her way to "Spoken Word" at the Tabernacle. Mom wore her favorite white suit and we gave her a corsage to wear that she thought was beautiful-Jackie's idea. We gave her a new bracelet type watch that is easier for her to put on her wrist. With her broken elbow it's very difficult for her to clasp the watch she has now. Then Jackie took her to church at her ward in Provo. Later, the family got together for dinner at Alicia's. It's interesting to me because 2 weeks ago Jackie and I forced mom to go to the Temple one night. Since then she has seemed clearer about some things. She has also started talking about going home again this week. Someone said to her that when the weather became nicer in VA she could go home. Somehow that stuck in her mind. Everyday mom asks " is this the day I'm going home "? Mom has even kind of packed her things . She obsesses about not being able to drive and how she will get to the bank to make the deposits. While it would be so much easier for me if she went home I adamantly believe it would be to her detriment. Mom has had to come out of seclusion and be social whether she's wanted to or not. I know she wants her own space but I believe the daily stimulation has helped her. If mom goes home she will dwindle away both phsically and mentally (as was the case last year). She will say "I can't wait to leave this earth". Maybe I'm keeping her from what she really wants, to gohome. Do we give her that choice?

THURSDAY, MAY 7, 2009

entry 9

This Alzheimer's thing is very confusing. This past week it seems as if my mom's memory has been better. The weather here has been great and so she walks Bear more often. Mom gets dragged around everywhere I go. She wants to go with me but will sit in the car when we get to our destination. Yesterday Alicia, Chaia, mom and me went to run a few errands. Chaia is such a character. She kept calling grandma over and over. I answered her over and over until I figured out she was calling my mom. We all laughed. I said to Chaia lets call grandma "BABS" that's what Uncle Quinny calls her. She laughed and laughed and repeated "BABS" over and over. Let's go to "Bab's" house. I think the whole shopping experience drove my mom nuts. Chaia never stops talking (unless asleep). While we were at Ikea Chaia's shoe rubbed a blister on her foot. She is very dramatic! "My booboo, my owee". This went on for a some time while we waited for Alicia. When we got back in the truck to leave Chaia said "Weesha, my booboo hurts".

We got home, patched up Chaia, Natalie and Jaxon arrived, my mom went in her room, shut the door and waited until everyone was gone.

TUESDAY, MAY 5, 2009

entry 8

I'm really not sure what prompted this comment but, last night we got home and my mom said"that was a great day"! (WOW tell me what it was so I can repeat it). I asked her what made it a great day and she didn't remember. "It was just really fun"! Going back through the day...

Bears little girlfriend Roxy came to play and mom got a kick out of that
Mason and I pulled weeds outside and dragged dirt around
Mom took Bear for a walk
I forced all my kids to take the gkids to the park for a group picture.

We went to the ball park for the picture and mom kept saying how she had been there many times for Clays games. Mom loves to watch baseball. Seriously though, taking the pictures was a CIRCUS and after 1600 pics I didn't get one GREAT pic of all the kids. On the other hand I did get all the gkids together - that's more than a Gma could ask for.

So what made it a GREAT DAY? I'm not sure but for now I'll take it!

SUNDAY, MAY 3, 2009

entry 7

These are some of mom's favorite things.

We got mom this dresser from Ikea. It took John about 2 1/2 hours to put the whole thing together (that's how Ikea keeps cost low). She really loves the way it looks in her room. Mom especially loves the bust of Christ that's on top. The pictures of Christ she received for herbirthday are comforting to her as well.

Now for her real love...Mom found these buns, Mrs. Freshley's Honey Buns at the dollar store. I don't usually buy food there but she saw the box and wanted to try them and bought 4boxes (only $4). After trying one she said they were great. I was surprised so I tried one myself. They were really good. Later that night I was having a snack attack so I thought I would have a honey bun but thought to stop to look at the calories on the box. The entire box was eaten and another box opened. I checked the calories on the box - Calories 210 from fat 90% - yikes! I haven't had any more but mom, well that's a different story. I think she's eaten at least 10 boxes. Last night Jackie came to take her to the Temple. They were literally walking out the door when mom bent down to say good bye to bear and couldn't because her skirt was too tight. Which lead to all of us laughing which lead to another problem (if you know mom you know when she laughs she can't hold her urine). Realizing that she would never be able to sit in the skirt she headed back toward her room to change (that in itself is another post!). Bottom line... her weight is up, "weigh" up :)

SATURDAY, MAY 2, 2009

entry 6

Did you see the movie "Groundhog Day" - wake up every morning to the same thing until finallyyou get it right. Honestly some days are worse FOR ME than others...

* I can only answer the same questions so many times in a day before I want to scream. (nothing wrong with screaming, let's out frustration)
* the obsessive compulsive behaviors make me crazier than others.
* stubborn, stubborn, stubborn
* I wonder, how does she remember THIS when she doesn't remember THAT?
* "LOST IN TRANSLATION"? We had her hearing checked because what was said and what she'd repeat were drastically different!

Today's obsession is her umbrella and the rain. The simplest tasks are so over exaggerated! I kept hearing a noise, a click over and over. She was opening and closing her umbrella. She needed me to show her again how it works because "it doesn't work correctly, and I need a new one that works". She is stubborn, she is refusing to get her hair done because it's raining and she won't take a bath if she can't get her hair done, and I can't take her dirty clothes if she won't take a bath. I was watching her last night washing her hands in the bathroom and she said "why am I in this bathroom"? I get this bathroom confused with another bathroom that looks completely different". It makes me sad to see her so confused. Physically she is declining, and losing muscle tone. She fell out of bed the other day so I took the box spring off to make it safer.

Some days you just have to vent, take a walk, go to the store, stand in the rain (like today), get away to clear your head. The sickness/dysfunction will make you sick. You have leave the situation for a while to realize how dysfunctional it is and that you are still OK.

THURSDAY, APRIL 30, 2009

entry 5

My mom's favorite things in the world are these animals. All day long she tells me how the cat sleeps on her bed and bear jumps on her lap and licks her face (If she only knew where that tongue had been) . Jackie took her to Provo last weekend and mom was adamant about leaving and going back home (my house) because she had to get back to her animals. "I worry about them when I am gone, they need me" and I need them"! Then mom told Jackie that she looks into bears big brown eyes and can see his sweet spirit. True he has a sweet personality but Jackie responded by saying "oh brother mom, you like those animals better than you like your own children"! They both laughed!

MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2009

entry 4

Today is my mom's 75Th birthday. Wow, 3/4 of a century old. Can you imagine all the significant changes she has seen in the world? Mom grew up in a very small town in Raymond Alberta Canada. My mom met my dad at BYU and the rest is history. I can't speak for my mom but I know she wanted to be married, have a family and live the gospel of Jesus Christ. She has accomplished all of those things and more but those were her priorities. Unfortunately life isn't always that neat and tidy package that we all hope for. I believe that much of her life has been filled with joy and unhappiness. Not entirely what she expected. In my twenties I thought i would have the house with the white picket fence and the husband that was a night in shinning armor. My kids would be perfect and so would my marriage. Don't we all want that fairy tale? Who came up with that story anyway??? Back to the point... Mom can still tell me about the day I was born and how blessed she felt. She loved being a mother and I read in her diary recently how she prayed daily that she would have the strength to accomplish that daunting task. Mom wanted to be a school teacher like her mother but put that goal aside to raise a family. I know she regrets never getting her teaching degree. My mom was the youngest child in her family and has fond memories of her child hood. She loved her mother and will tell story after story about the faith her mother had. Grandma Wing died from dementia several years ago. Unfortunatelymom seems to be following in her footsteps.

On a humorous note, we all want to forget our birthdays the older we get but my mom had several people wish her happy birthday and she had no idea what they were talking about.

(WE gave my mom this picture of Christ for her birthday, she loved it)!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22, 2009

entry 3

I'm a bit behind because I have been working on several projects.

Things have been pretty smooth the past few days with the exception of last Sunday. The morning started with me waking up with a terrible sinus headache. My mom was already dressed and ready for church. We were waiting for Jackie to get done with Spoken Word and meet us for Sacrament. No sooner had Jackie gotten to my house when some weird tension started with my mom and Jackie. Mom asked Jackie a question and Jackie didn't respond, that set her on edge. My mom gets extremely upset when Jackie doesn't answer her questions immediately (well, anyone for that matter). Anyone who knows Jackie experiences a lag time between asking a question and receiving an answer. Jackie told me that often she is decidinghow to answer the question and sometimes she's not paying attention at all.

Actually, I need to back up to Friday night....

Jackie was going to keep my mom overnight but apparently mom didn't want to do anything that was planned so Jackie called and said she was bringing her back to my place. Mom missed her animals and they needed her as well. On the trip up to my house they spoke with aunt Leila to wish her happy birthday and Leila told Jackie about a Suzuki conference going on in Sandy. No sooner had Jackie gotten to my house when she announced she was leaving to check out the conference. She promised to come back but never did. Of course my mom kept asking where Jackie went and when she'd be back. Finally Jackie called about 10PM to say she was on her way home. Saturday Jackie was supposed to spend the night and go to spoken word from my house. All day long mom asked when Jackie was coming. About 10:30 PM Jackie called to say she was staying with a friend downtown.

Back to Sunday morning. (My belief is that mom remembering what little she does, was angry with Jackie for not showing up all weekend). So, 10 minutes until church time Jackie asks for some scriptures. Mom, irritated with Jackie's question states that she can get them from the library. Jackie says she doesn't want to get them from the libraryand they leave for Church. Next thing I know mom slams open the front door exclaiming that Jackie is a spoiled brat! She will not drive with her, she will not sit by her, never wants to see her again, and will not go to church because she is the most ungrateful person she has ever known, "everything I did for that girl yesterday"! (mom drove up to Heber to observe Jackie's school class). Mom is on the verge of tears, ranting and raving about how she wants nothing to do with Jackie over and over. I try to reason with her and get her to tell me what's causing her to be so upset-I don't think she knows! By now my sinus headache is a full blown migraine and I am sick to my stomach. I can't find my medication! Mom's pacing back and forth on the hardwood floor (in her heels). With a migraine every noise, smell, light is magnified a 1000 times. Next, mom finds the masking tape-you know the roller that gets lint off clothes but can't find the end. She gets out a knife and cuts the tape, making it worse and pulls off sheet after sheet, while pacing and ranting about Jackie. I am lying on my bed about to loose it both mentally and physically when I finally decide to take the roller away from mom and tell her she's wasting the whole roll (I know not very patient) . Thank goodness John came home right then except...both of them were clanking around the hard wood floor. "You both need to take your shoes off and stop talking so loud I blurted"! (pooooor John, he gets the brunt end of my frustrations). John found my medication for me and some anti nausea pills and I was able to get some rest.

This is the clencher... after everything was said and done mom wondered what in the world started all this whole mess and what made Jackie leave? I told mom what she said to Jackie but she didn't beleive me . " I never said that, but if I did no wonder she left".

This disease is a tough one for everyone!

SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2009

entry 2

Thank you to those that responded to yesterday's post. I don't think I have gotten so many emails and phone calls in day! I appreciate all your thoughts and kind words. AND no I haven't lost it entirely yet. I have had requests to add some funny things my mom has said. (we are not laughing at her she laughs with us)

Comments my mom makes to me and others:

(mom) "I had no idea that Alicia was your daughter"

(mom) "I had no idea that Rod was Jesse's father"

(mom) "I had no idea that Jackie was almost 40" (Cher)"how old do you think I am"? (mom) "I don't know I guess you would be about 70".

(mom) "Now tell me again, what are the names or your people that are coming to stay"? (Cher) "my people are Michael, Katie and Mason - your grandson, grand daughter and great grandson" (mom) "Oh ,LOL".

(mom) "Here Mitzy, come Kitty, where is she"?
(Cher) "mom, try calling Bear, he answers to that"!

(mom) One day in disgust, "John needs to take that TV back to Costco, it doesn't work"!
(Cher) "Mom don't push the channel button on the TV" use the remote.
(mom) "I didn't" (TVs on channel 160 needs to stay on 3)
(Cher) "OK it's fixed, don't touch the channel button, only use the remote"
repeat,
repeat,
repeat,

(Cher) "mom I am putting blue tape over these buttons, you don't need to touch them"
(mom) "I don't touch them this TV doesn't work right"
repeat,
repeat,
repeat, (I can hear her changing the channel button from the other rooms)

(Cher) "MOM, don't take the tape off and touch these buttons. (tapes off)
(mom) "I never touch those buttons"!

Natalie walks in the house and solves the problem. She takes the cable box off the TV (I didn't even remember we could get cable from the wall)

(Natalie) "OK grandma, the TV works great". (shows her how to work the TV with the remote)
(mom) "Someone needs to take back this TV it didn't come with a remote or one of those kids took it"

I think I am in a "Looney Toon"
Ba de ba de that's all folks!

FRIDAY, APRIL 17, 2009

entry 1

I’ve decided to start a blog/diary of my daily life as a caregiver for my mother with Alzheimer’s disease. I don’t plan to edit what I say only use spell check for typos. I find I can type much quicker when simply telling what’s in my mind and heart. Feel free to read along.

Today I woke up alone except for 2 cats and the dog. It feels strangely free to be in my own home and have no pressure. My mom doesn’t pressure me it’s just that as soon as I get up I know that I will be answering the same questions over and over. All the TV'S in the house are on. I will need to find her remote that she hides behind her TV. She will ask what we are doing today. I can’t keep going to the store, it’s expensive. She won’t read, exercise, play games, shred papers that are not hers (she loved to shred papers at home) . After a particularly bad day last week I called my brother and totally lost it. Then I called him back and apologized for saying such mean things (not about him). I don’t know where it came from but it needed to be let out!!! I felt so much better until last night. All the patience from the week wore thin and I started to lose it again. I emailed John and said “can I say CRAZY”? I can only answer the same question 150 times before I want to kill myself! (Not really kill myself, more like run into my bedroom, hide under the covers and veg while watching TV.

So what started this today was looking at the pics I had posted yesterday. I truly love the one of my mom. Here it was bright and sunny, WARM day and my mom had on her scarf, her gloves and her purse out in the front yard watching the kids play legos. From the picture I can see that her glasses need cleaning. I would die if someone took a close up picture of me in the bright light but this picture to me displays a warmth and kindness a softness-childlike glow. It makes me cry. Honestly at this moment I feel peaceful and relieved that I can just sit here and type. In a couple of hours I will have Mason, Brendan and Julian and my solitude will end in a chaos of a different type, but it’s different. Jackie may or may not bring my mom back tonight; I vote she keeps her another night. I will feel rejuvenated and be able to start fresh until the next wave of dysfunction hits. I need to keep my own sanity in check. I don’t say this to be mean or complain it's just the way I feel.

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DEFINITION OF MAD (HMMM INTERESTING)

mad definition mad (mad)adjective madder mad′·der, maddest mad′·dest mentally ill; insane wildly excited or disorderly; frenzied; frantic mad with fear showing or resulting from lack of reason; foolish and rash; unwise a mad scheme blindly and foolishly enthusiastic or fond; infatuated to be mad about clothes wildly amusing; hilarious a mad comedy having rabies a mad dog angry or provoked: often with at showing or expressing anger

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